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Long Time Coming-pt. 3
I don't know what made me finally say it. Now, it's out there and I don't want to pretend I didn't open the door to talk about how I feel about him. After all this time, I think I was just so tired of holding back my own feelings that I finally let it slip out of my mouth. I needed to say it, and I needed for Josh to hear me say it. "I was afraid you were going to die and leave me and I was never going to be able to tell you how I really felt." I couldn't look at him. This was what we both had been dancing around for years...or has it been just me? I just kept my head down and held my breath. Then Josh finally spoke, and he asked the right question. "How do you really feel, Donna?" I looked up at him. I didn't realize he was standing so close to me. I could feel that familiar swelling in my chest that happens whenever I'm near Josh. No more holding back, no more misdirection...it was just us. It was time to take a leap of faith. "When you came back to work after the shooting, I thought I knew how I felt, but I just put it away. You needed to get back to what you love to do, and I wanted to help. I tried to forget, and just work like we always work. I thought that if I just kept distracting myself, lose myself in important projects, then maybe I could ignore it. It felt like I had it under control, until...so much seemed to happen at once." "I could deal with the President having MS. As long as he wasn't in pain, I could handle that. But when Mrs. Landingham was killed, it started all over again. I started having nightmares that it was you in the car accident. That it was you who had died. I couldn't deal with that again. I had to push you away so that you wouldn't see me worrying about you. I thought that maybe Mrs. Landingham's death would remind you of your father and your sister, and I just couldn't bother you if you were dealing with that. I didn't handle it well at all, I know, but there was no denying the panic I felt. I was right back to the way I felt after the shooting. It was back to Rosslyn for me, and I felt like I was losing you all over again. And I still hadn't told you how much you mean to me. How much I...I love you, Josh." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, this would probably be a bad time for a smirk, but I feel it coming on. No, actually this is probably a big ass goofy grin. Donnatella Moss loves me. Wow. When I came down here, I was afraid of what I'd do if she left me and quit. I was trying to figure out how to get her to stop being angry with me for something stupid I said or did. Instead, she just told me that she loves me. But she's not looking at me and she's crying again, too. Whoa, that shouldn't be happening right now. "Donna? What is it?" She's not speaking, she just shakes her head. For a Fulbright scholar, I can be a little dense sometimes. It suddenly hits me that this amazing woman just opened her heart up to me, told me that she loves me, and I haven't said anything to her except to repeat what she just said and then get lost in my own thoughts. I am such a schmuck. She has to know how important she is to me. It's becoming clearer to me every second, and think I'm ready to tell her now. I reach out and gently take one of her hands in mine. "Donnatella, for all of your talk of knowing me so well, you mean to tell me that you don't know how important you are to me? You don't know much I hated you going out with those gomers, because I didn't want you with anyone but me? You don't know that I rely on you knowing how to handle me when I'm going overboard? I trust you enough to let you handle me because I know you always want what is best for me. You don't know how much I actually look forward to the inane trivia you fill my days with? Hell, Donna, you take better care of me than I take care of myself!" She looks up at me and says, cautiously, "What are you saying, Josh?" "I'm saying I'm so sorry that I didn't listen to you when you needed to talk to me about how you felt. I'm sorry you didn't think that your feelings mattered to me. I'm sorry you didn't think you could trust me with your feelings. I'm sorry that you didn't know how much I appreciate what you do for me. I only want you to be happy and I want to make you happy. I'm saying I don't want to lose you, and that I'd be lost without you. I'm saying I'm in love with you, Donnatella....I love you." Sunshine breaking through the clouds. That is the only way to describe the brilliant smile that spreads across Donna's face. In a shy, soft voice she asks: "Really, Josh? Do you mean that? Do you really love me?" I nod in response, awestruck at how beautiful she is at this moment. In an instant, she reaches her arms around my neck and holds me close. My arms wrap around her waist, and I feel a peace I haven't felt for a long time. Donnatella Moss loves me, and she's here in my arms to prove it. I don't know how long we stand there, just feeling safe and secure with this knowledge that we are together at last. I just know that holding Donna makes me feel like I have finally come home. She pulls her head back a little, and puts her forehead against mine. "You do realize this makes you the biggest gomer of them all?" I look at her smiling face, and my smile matches hers. "If I acknowledge that, do I get coffee?" "Not in this lifetime." "That's my girl." She holds my face in her hands and says, "For always, Joshua." "For always, Donnatella" At that moment, I do what has been a long time coming. My lips meet hers in a gentle kiss that seals the promises we just made. The slightest touch of Donna's lips on mine rocks my world. I can feel it all the way up and down my spine. Forget air, all I need is Donnatella. So much for my 760 Verbal...there are no words for this feeling, which makes her even more amazing in my mind. "Donna, let's get outta here. It's late, and you need to get some sleep." "So do you. Yeah, let's go." We step apart briefly to head toward the stairs. I hesitate for a second, but I grab hold of her hand and look into her eyes. "Donna? Would you spend the night at my place, with me? I mean, I don't want to have sex. I mean, I do, someday, but not tonight. I just don't want to let you go yet. Tomorrow is Saturday so we don't have to be in until later in the morning. I just... well, I just want to hold you and wake up with you. Is that okay?" She smiles at me, takes my hand, kisses my palm and puts it to her cheek. With just the simplest of gestures, she leaves me tongue-tied. Have I always been like this with her? Has she always affected me like this? With a touch she manages to make me forget how to breathe. I am totally mesmerized by her. "Yes, Josh. I want to spend the night with you, too." We head up the stairs, and open the door. The anger and fear are replaced by peace and love that is no longer denied. We walk perfectly in step with each other. I am looking forward to holding Donna, my Donnatella, in my arms. No matter what happens from this point on, we are together, at last.
Joshua Lyman loves me. I've loved him for such a long time. It took nearly losing him to make me admit it even to myself. I'm not afraid of the future anymore, because now I know Josh will always be a part of it. "Donna? Is it time to get up?" Josh grumbles but doesn't open his eyes or loosen his hold on me. "No, Josh. We have about an hour yet. Go back to sleep." "Come back to sleep with me." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is what has been missing from my life. This is what makes everything else
bearable. I have Donnatella with me and she loves me. We wasted so much time, and nearly
lost each other. We were lucky and found our way back to each other.
The End
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