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Long Time Coming-pt. 2
Okay, I got her to come down here with me, and now I'm not sure what to say. I am trying not to panic, cause I'm so afraid she's just gonna snap and quit for real. I don't want to lose her...I can't lose her. I can't imagine a life without her in it. Whatever has to be said now, whatever we have to do, is something unavoidable, even though it seems we've tried to. However, our timing stinks, considering everything else that's going on. But, I threw down the gauntlet, so I guess I had better say something first. "What's going on Donna? You haven't been yourself lately. Why are you so distant and angry with me all the time? What have I done? I mean, is it me, or is there something else that's upsetting you? Please tell me, I'm really worried about you." Donna is pacing back and forth across the room from me. She has put the conference table between us like a protective barrier. She has her arms crossed in front of her and she is frowning. I want to go over and make her stand still, but I think she might hit me if I got too close right now. We have to get this out in the open first, whatever this is. "Donna?" Suddenly she stops walking and looks down. I can't see her face because her hair is draped in front of it, but I can hear her whisper, "Please Josh, I don't think I can do this. Don't make me do this." "Make you do what, Donna? You've been freaking out on me all week! I've been dodging flying files, pens, and expecting the windows to shatter after the numerous times you've slammed my door! Damn it, Donna, TALK TO ME!! Please! Tell me what is wrong. You've always been able to talk to me before." The sleeping giant in Donna woke up. Her head snaps up and I can see her eyes are glistening with tears she's holding back. Her lips are tight and then she lets loose the pain she's been holding onto. She's not whispering anymore. "Before? Before what, Josh? Before I knew the President had MS? Before Mrs. Landingham was killed? Before someone took shots at Charlie and nearly ended your life instead? Before months of watching you struggle with your health so you could come back to work? Before what, Josh? I haven't been able to talk to you or anyone else here! No one has asked me how I'm doing. I'm just expected to take it. I am just your stoic assistant, and I am able to handle everything, including the daily tantrums that you throw that NO ONE else will put up with. Well, it's MY turn Josh!! I need to have a tantrum and it's your turn to sit and take it!" Her alabaster skin is flushed red, and her cheeks and forehead are moist from the sweat she's worked up. Her hands are flying everywhere at once, and all I can do is nod dumbly as she continues to rant. "I'm not as strong as everyone seems to think, Josh. I'm human, too, and this has not been easy on me either. I have gone home crying so many nights that I have lost count. The rest of the time I'm just too tired to cry or think straight. There's no relief because you see to it that I have no life. I'm scared, stressed out and I don't know what else to do. I've been trying to be there for you, to support you, to show you...." She pauses for a moment, breathing heavily. She bites her lower lip, takes a deep breath and continues, a little slower than before. "I've been taking this home with me, too, Josh. I want to yell and scream so many times just like you, but that's not what 'Donna' does, is it? I am not allowed to scream, to yell, to be angry. I'm not supposed to say how I feel, because to talk about this stuff means getting emotional, and we just don't do that, right? That's being weak, isn't it...to admit to having real feelings? I'm not supposed to be upset over the death of a woman whom I admired and cared about. I'm not supposed to be sad and scared for a brilliant man who has a horrible illness and just lost someone he loved and trusted. I'm not supposed to talk about the nightmare I went through when you were shot. I'm not supposed to talk about how it affected me because I..." She stops and puts her hand over her mouth. I swear I see a tear run down her face before she turns her back to me and leans against the table. My chest tightens and I feel the lump in my throat, and I'm close to tears myself. Please don't let her turn away from me. We were close...don't stop now... I slowly walk around the table till I'm standing along side her. Yep, she's crying...God help me, Donnatella Moss is crying and it's somehow my fault. I feel so helpless right now. Things I've been feeling are coming to me clearer than before, but now I have to help Donna because she's hurting. I'm responsible for the pain she's feeling. God, let the right words come... "Donna...the reason I'm still here is because of you. You took care of me. You made me get out of bed, you made me eat, and made me keep living even when I didn't want to deal with the pain. I guess I just assumed that if you ever had a problem that you would tell me about it. I didn't mean to make you think that you were only supposed to look after me and that I wouldn't be there for you. You're not just my assistant, you're my best friend. Didn't you think I'd want to help you?" She's sobbing now, behind her hands. For some people, fingernails scraping down a blackboard is pure torture. For me, nothing hurts me more than the sound of Donna crying. It's my weak spot, and there's nothing I can do to stop it right now. I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid of pushing her away that I'm lost in my thoughts. I think I heard her mumble something but I didn't quite catch it. "What was that Donna?" She uncovers her face for a second to yell at me again. "I said, I didn't want to bother you!" I can't help myself, I just have to ask. "Isn't that your job?" As she looks up at me quizzically, I just grin at her. To my relief, she gives me a small smile and shakes her head. She grows serious again, and looks at the floor. She takes a deep breath and in a soft voice, starts to speak again. "I thought I lost you, Josh. We never talked about what happened, or how we felt. We just got through one day to the next. It was awful for me, too. But you were the one who had been shot, and I didn't think I had the right burden you with my problem when you were trying so hard to recover. I was afraid you were going to die and leave me and I'd never be able to tell you how I really felt." There it was. The moment...the opportunity we had been waiting for and dancing around. She opened the door, and was inviting me to come inside. Years of denial and misdirection were coming undone with that one sentence, and she left it up to me to take the next step. I swallowed hard, realizing that I didn't want to fight this thing between us anymore. I needed my Donnatella back, I had to let her know she wasn't alone anymore. "How do you really feel, Donna?" TBC
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