Title: It's Strength I See
Category: Josh/Donna
Rating: PG
Author: J-Hy
Summary: Pre-Christmas 2001 - the stress catches up to Josh.
Spoilers: ITSoTG, Noel
Feedback: PLEASE!!!
Disclaimer: Not mine, I'm sad to say... these guys belong to Aaron and co.

"Didn't you hear me shouting?"
"Josh..."
"I need a doctor! I need help!"
"Oh God, Josh! Toby help..."
"He's not answering... Josh! Josh can you hear me?"
"Josh!"

He felt a sharp pain in his chest and woke from the dream with a start. He frantically reached for a lamp, found the switch. At home. His own bed. Josh closed his eyes and focused on breathing through the deep ache. A nightmare... the same nightmare. The voices... the hard concrete, cold on his face... the hands touching him, pulling his fingers from the fold of his shirt where the bullet had ripped through... the sudden, horrible pain. Then the panicked reentry into reality.

The pain was fading into a dull ache. The nausea subsided enough for Josh to open his eyes and glance at his alarm clock. 4:30 a.m. He sighed. No sense in going back to bed now. The nightmare would only come back...

An hour later he was trudging through the empty bullpen. He pushed open his office door and flipped on the light, juggling his backpack, a stack of files and an extra large coffee. He dumped everything, save the coffee, on the desk, dropped his coat on the couch and turned on the TV with the remote. He'd seen the CNN morning news while shaving... After a moment of debate and a quick glance to make sure no one was in the hall, he flipped to Nickelodeon. "Pinky and the Brain" danced across the screen, and Josh allowed his tense face to relax into a grin. He settled down at his desk and started reading about projected soy production, keeping one eye on the TV.

The first noises came from the bullpen less than an hour later. Josh regretfully switched from "Spongebob" back to CNN. A few minutes later, Donna pushed open his door.

"Josh, what are you doing here?" she asked, taking his coat from the couch and hanging it in the wardrobe.

"Uh, actually, Donna, I don't know if you've noticed, but I work here," he replied, barely glancing up from the soy report.

"Ha ha," she said. "Seriously, it's 6:30... how long have you been here?"

"What is this, the Inquisition?" he asked. "C'mon, do you have my schedule?"

"You have Staff at eight, Davis at ten, you're supposed to meet with the guy from Agriculture before noon, so make sure you read the soy stuff."

"Check."

"The President wants ten minutes on the Labor bill this afternoon, and you have that thing with Sam at 2."

"What thing?" Josh asked, glancing up.

"The NEA group."

"Oh, right. That ought to be useful."

"And you have an appointment with Dr. Marshall at three, so make sure Sam knows, cause if the meeting goes over, you have to leave." Donna turned to go.

"Whoa, wait, Dr. Marshall?" Josh stood and ran a hand through his hair. "If it's tight, just cancel... I'll go next week."

"No you won't, Josh," Donna said firmly. "You haven't had a BP done in more than a month, and you've been eating nothing but junk, and Dr. Marshall is going to yell at you today."

"How is this incentive for me to go?" Josh asked.

"It's not for you," Donna said with a smile. "I get to watch."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, the President says you lie when he asks you how it went... He wants a witness." Donna was obviously taking great joy in this.

"A witness?? That's ridiculous!" Josh was torn between indignant anger and cold panic. "Aren't my medical records private??"

"Sure they are Josh..." Donna said over her shoulder as she left the office. "Right up until the point when the President calls Dr. Marshall and asks how your exam went."

"So that's how he knows I lie," Josh said to himself, turning back to the soy report.

But he couldn't concentrate. The exam was going to be... well, it wasn't going to be good. He was drinking too much caffeine, he wasn't eating enough vegetables, his back was bothering him almost constantly and she was going to recommend meds, he was sure. Probably for both the BP and the back. And then everyone would know, 'cause Donna and the President were possibly the two people worst at keeping secrets in the building. (Which was why it was so important that Donna NEVER catch him watching "Spongebob.") So everyone would be back to asking him how he felt everyday, telling him to take it easy. The President had MS, and people left him alone about it... well, in a manner of speaking. Josh got one lousy bullet in the chest, and now he had to spend the rest of his life, it seemed, under the scrutiny and oh yes pity of those around him.

The pity was the worst. Concern he could handle. He got concern from Donna and his mother all the time. Granted, it was the smothering, exhausting, wanna-beat-her over-the-head-with-a-shovel variety of concern, but still. It was far better than the looks he caught from Toby and Leo every now and then. The look Sam had given him last month when they'd played racquetball and Josh had to sit down after only one set, gasping for breath. That never used to happen. Besides, Sam was four years younger than Josh! What did he expect?

It sucked. That was the best word Josh's Harvard educated mind could come up with to describe the situation.

"It sucks," he said to Donna at noon, as she tried to force feed him half of her sandwich.

"Hey, I made it myself!" Donna said indignantly.

"No, not the sandwich, which, by the way, I'm not eating," he replied. "The whole doctor thing. It sucks."

"That's the best word your Harvard educated mind can come up with?" she said, snatching the half empty bag of potato chips he was trying to hide.

"Seriously Donna," he said, pleadingly, "Isn't there something more important you have to do this afternoon? I mean, we're not paying you to baby-sit!"

"Actually, as you delight in pointing out, I really have very little work to do in this office," Donna retorted. "And I consider a lot of what I do to be babysitting. So quit your whining and eat the damn sandwich!"

"Fine!" he shouted and took a large bite. Satisfied, Donna took the bag of chips and went back to her desk. As soon as she was gone, Josh tossed the rest of the sandwich in his top drawer and pulled another bag of chips from the second. He then grabbed his jacket and left for his meeting. As he passed her desk Donna reached into his left pocket with a freakish speed and liberated the other bag of chips.

"Hey!" Josh yelled as he tried to grab them, but she was too quick. With a "heads up, Mike," she tossed them to the intern striding by.

"Hey, thanks, Donna," he called out as he continued down the hall.

"You're going to be late," she said casually to Josh, her attention back on her computer screen. Silently fuming, Josh turned and headed to the Oval Office.

"...coupled with the drastic implications this could have in any impending inquiries about the events of the last several months. Furthermore, productivity would be negatively affected by these actions, and they could be construed as a violation of civil liberties." Josh finished up his long speech and waited for the president's response.

"That's it?" Bartlet asked from behind his desk, regarding Josh over his reading glasses.

"That, and it sucks," Josh replied. "Sir."

"Josh, you've presented a very well thought-out, succinct, logical argument," Bartlet said.

"She's still coming, isn't she?" Josh said dejectedly.

"You bet," the President said, rising from the chair and moving around the desk. "Once, when we were first married, my wife asked me how much money I spent shopping at the hardware store. I'd spent quite a bit on items I knew she wouldn't necessarily see the need for, so I fudged the numbers a bit..."

"And she found out," Josh surmised.

"Boy did she find out!" Jed agreed. "I've not been to a hardware store alone since."

"Excuse me, sir, but are you comparing my blood pressure to your bank account?"

"Josh, go to the doctor, let Donna sit in. It will ease my mind and hers." Considering the subject closed, Bartlet leaned against the front of his desk. "Now, what's next?"

"Josh!" Sam called down the hallway after his friend. "They cancelled," he said as he caught up.

"Who, the NEA guys?"

"Yeah," Sam said. "Their flight was delayed because of the storm in the Midwest... we're rescheduling."

"Great, cause I wouldn't want to miss that meeting," Josh said as they reached his office. "Don't they usually deal with Toby?"

"Yeah, but that's always about budget," Sam said. "They want to talk to us about public schools."

"OK, so why can't they talk to Toby?"

" 'Cause he's working on the stump speeches with Bruno."

"OK."

"So you wanna grab lunch?" Sam asked.

"Sure!" Josh brightened at the prospect of a nice, burnt cheeseburger, with no Donna trying to snatch it out of his mouth.

"Josh!"

Josh briefly considered the possibility that Donna was psychic and that some sort of homing device went off in her head whenever the word "beef" crossed his mind.

"NEA cancelled, I'm getting lunch with Sam," Josh said, grabbing his coat in hopes of escaping.

"You can't," Donna replied. "Dr. Marshall had a schedule change and can't see you at three after all."

"Gee, that's a real shame," Josh said with a grin.

"So, since your thing was cancelled, I moved your appointment up," Donna said, smiling sweetly. "She's waiting downstairs. We should go."

"Dr. Marshall?" Sam asked, worry creeping into his voice. "What's that about?"

"Nothing," Josh said hurriedly. "I'll take a lunch rain check." He dropped his coat back on the couch and turned to Donna. "Let's get this over with," he said, sliding past Donna and striding down the hall.

"Donna?" Sam asked.

"It's nothing, Sam," she said, taking Josh's coat back over to the wardrobe. "It's just a check-up."

"So he's OK?" Sam asked, as though he wasn't sure he could believe her.

"Sam, don't worry," Donna said, giving him a reassuring smile. "He's fine." With that she followed Josh down the hall.

Sam stood for a moment, gazing around Josh's office. He then turned and headed for his own office, worry still creasing his brow.

"Now inhale... hold it... ok, good. Exhale." Dr. Marshall continued to move the stethoscope around Josh's t-shirt clad back, listening for what, Josh didn't know.

Donna sat nearby, pretending to read a magazine but really listening to every word the doctor said, listening for even the slightest change in her tone of voice. So far so good... back to the magazine.

"Ok, now hold your arms straight out in front of you... straight out Josh."

"I am," Josh replied.

"Ok," Dr. Marshall said, and something in her voice made Donna pay attention again. "Now grab my fingers and squeeze as hard as you can... keep going... Ok, that's good."

Josh let go, not meeting the doctor's eye. Sure, he'd had some weakness in his right arm, but it didn't seem important... until he had to squeeze a woman's fingers.

"Now, let's do leg reflexes..."

A half hour later, they were finally done. Josh was buttoning up his shirt as Donna tried to unknot his tie. Dr. Marshall stepped out of the room for a minute and came back just as Donna threw Josh his tie in disgust.

"Well, Doc, I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed this little visit, but I guess we need to be on our way," Josh said, slipping the tie over his head without bothering to straighten it.

"Not so fast, Josh," Dr. Marshall said. "We need to go over a couple things."

"Well, does she have to be here?" Josh said, gesturing towards Donna with his head.

"She is here under orders from the President," Donna shot back. She then turned to Dr. Marshall. "You were saying," she said sweetly.

Dr. Marshall flipped through Josh's chart for a moment before regarding him with a serious eye.

"Josh, some of your test results worry me," she said. "First of all, your blood pressure is high. Not off the charts, but higher than it should be. You are simply going to have to realize that your heart is under strain. Because of the scar tissue in your chest, your heart and lungs have to work harder, and you cannot afford to tax them. I'm putting you on a low fat, low sodium diet, starting today..." She ignored Josh's groan of protest. "You have got to start eating right and reducing your stress."

"With all due respect, doctor, stress is a part of my life. In this line of work, it's unavoidable, and in an election year, it's indescribable," Josh said, Donna noted, in his most condescending tone. He must be really pissed about the diet, she thought.

"Josh, if you can't find ways to reduce your stress levels in this kind of work, I'm going to recommend that you look for another."

Donna watched in alarm as Josh's face went white. "Recommend to whom?" he asked.

"The president, if it comes to that," Dr. Marshall said. "Josh, if you don't calm down, you're looking at a heart attack within the next two years. And frankly, I don't think your body could handle that right now."

"What do you mean?" Donna asked.

"Josh is still experiencing residual effects from the shooting," Dr. Marshall said. "Pain, weakness, his blood pressure... his body has been overtaxed and is still trying to recover. It's not all that uncommon in gunshot victims."

"Wait a second," Donna said, turning to Josh. "What is she talking about."

"Donna," Josh said, trying to think of some way to make it stop, to make Dr. Marshall disappear.

"He hides it very well," Marshall said quietly. "And I bet you're off your pain meds, too."

"I don't need them," he growled.

"Seriously Josh, what's going on?" Donna asked. "You're still... in pain?"

"NO!" Josh said. "No. I'm fine. I get a little stiff in bad weather... other than that I'm fine."

"Josh," Donna said, "there's nothing to be ashamed of. You were shot in the chest. No one expects you to be fine."

"Damn it, Donna, it's been well over a year!" Josh exploded. "And yet I still get the looks of pity from complete strangers who just happened to see me on TV. I can't be in a bad mood, 'cause then Leo and Sam and Toby think I'm flipping out. And to top it all off, I still can't climb a flight of stairs without getting out of breath!"

"Maybe I should step outside for a minute," Dr. Marshall said quietly, moving towards the door. "I'll check on your test results and come back." She fairly bolted out of the room.

As soon as the door closed, Donna turned on Josh.

"You've been lying about everything, haven't you?" she asked softly, looking him right in the eye. "Not just about your blood pressure... You're supposed to be on pain medication?"

Josh started pacing the room. "I really don't need it," he said, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Joshua Lyman!" Donna yelled. The sound made Josh turn to her automatically - she sounded exactly like his mother. He found that her bellow had the same effect, too - he couldn't lie.

"I stopped," he said, ending his pacing across the room from her. "I stopped, OK? Happy?"

"When? Why?" Donna asked. "If you're in pain, why did you stop? Are you really that pigheaded? Did you think it's more...I don't know, manly to limp around? Because that's the-"

"Christmas." Josh interrupted, finally meeting her gaze. "Actually, about three weeks before... About a year ago I guess."

"I don't understand," Donna said, thinking for some reason that she should understand.

"Last Christmas, Donna," Josh said, feeling heat crawl up to his face as he remembered. He was half ashamed, half relieved to be talking about it. "I was afraid I'd-" He broke off and looked away from her face. "I didn't want to do anything stupid."

Donna stood confused for a full five seconds before she figured out what he was talking about. "Oh Josh," she breathed. Part of her knew, part of her had known for a year, but another part didn't want to let it be true. If he'd had the pills around, he might have taken too many... he might have gone to sleep and not been woken by a nightmare, by a flashback, by a sharp pain in his chest.

"Yeah, I know, I'm a complete basket case," Josh said bitterly. "Now are you going to start treating me like glass?" He closed his eyes and waited for a response, knowing that if he opened his eyes and saw pity in hers, another small piece of his heart would die.

Donna looked at Josh and saw what she had been blind to in the months since Toby had sat her down and told her about the President's condition. Josh was afraid, not of the nightmares or a heart attack. He was afraid the he would never again have the full respect of his coworkers and friends. He was afraid that his identity was going to be forever shadowed by the ugly scar on his chest and the nightmares that passed through his head. The thought was ridiculous, she knew. Everyone had regarded him as a campaign wiz, and now he was one of the most respected names in politics. He struck terror into the hearts of Republican senators and made the hearts of hundreds of college co-eds all a flutter. But he didn't realize... because he still thought of himself as "Josh Lyman, gunshot victim," he assumed the rest of the world did as well. The truth was, at least for her, he was amazing... and for all of his egotistical remarks and self-bolstering tendencies, he didn't even know.

"Josh," she said softly but firmly. "Josh, open your eyes and look at me."

Josh hung his head for a moment, then lifted it and looked at Donna's face. He tried to keep his face expressionless, but she the way she was looking at him... something in the atmosphere of the room changed.

"You are amazing," she said, her words catching in her throat. "The only thing about Rosslyn that still sticks with me is that I might have lost you. And when those thought strike, my heart nearly breaks." She closed her eyes at the image, then opened them and smiled. "But then I remember that I didn't lose you. You were stronger than a bullet, stronger than a post-operative infection, stronger than Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You are the strongest person I know, and I -"

She stopped, all too aware that she had almost blurted out that she loved him. And his eyes were still glued to hers. The intensity that she saw in them was almost frightening. Then, in one fluid movement, he crossed the room and embraced her. He hugged her to his chest and she relaxed into his arms, hugging him back. He rested his head on hers, his eyes closed, tears threatening to tumble down his face. Then he pulled back a bit and looked down at her sweet face.

"Donatella Moss," he whispered, "how did an angel like you end up in my life?"

Before she could reply, he leaned in and kissed her, gently, on the lips. He pulled back and studied her face, looking for a reaction. When she smiled his face lit up and he pulled her to him again for a longer, deeper kiss. When he pulled back again, she leaned into his chest, enjoying the sound of his heart and the feel of his arms around her.

Josh rested his cheek on her head and murmured into her hair, "Oh, and Donna? I love you too."