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Changes Chapter 11
The band took this inopportune moment to start playing and Josh pushed his way through the crowds who were surging to the dance floor. By the time, he'd exited the ballroom, all he saw was Donna fleeing out the side doors that led to the hotel's courtyard. When he followed out the doors, she was sitting on a stone bench in a darkened portion of the garden. She was trembling and crying, her arms crossed around her waist, as if she was hugging herself. Josh kneeled down in front of her, reaching a hand up to brush the hair away from her face. "Donna?" he whispered. Donna could barely see Josh, her eyes were swimming with tears, but she knew she needed the security of his arms right now. She wrapped her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. Josh, almost tumbled backwards with the force of hug, but he slowly stood up, pulling Donna completely into his arms. He whispered soft words of comfort and occasional shushes into her ear. He rhythmically rubbed her back and tried to take deep breaths, hoping to impart a sense of calm to her. Eventually Donna was done sobbing, but tears still poured from her eyes. "He's married?" she whispered, more as a question to herself than to Josh. Josh whispered back. "Yes, Donna. I'm so sorry. It was so wrong of him to…." Donna pulled her face from the crook of Josh's neck to look at him. "You knew?" Josh framed her face between his hands. "I just found out tonight. I should have told you or taken you home as soon as I knew, but we were having such a nice time…." Josh let the statement trail off. Donna's eyes filled with tears again. "We were, weren't we?" "Yes," he whispered pulling her back into his arms. A few minutes later, Josh wasn't sure that Donna hadn't fallen asleep in his arms. She had gotten quiet and there were no more tears. "Donna?" "Hmm?" "Are you okay?" Donna pulled out of Josh's arms and lifted her face to him. Her eyes had taken on the fiery countenance that usually warned Josh to keep his distance from her at the office. She usually looked like this when Josh had done something stupid that she'd had to clean up after. "It's so typical, isn't it?" she asked, her voice breaking and betraying her. "What is?" "Ugh! This! So, so typical! I can never, ever have a normal relationship! There's always got to be problems and conditions and conflict and secrets and….." Donna continued, pulling out of his arms and punctuating her speech with hand jabs at the air. "Donna, whoa. Slow down," said Josh, trying to grab her hands. "No!" said Donna, twisting out of his reach. "I cannot believe this. You'd think something as important as `oh, by the way, I'm married,' would have come up in our conversation!" Josh didn't have the words to comfort her, so he let her rail on. He was surprised at the amount of anger raging out of Donna. She was typically so under control. So calm. The violence of her emotions was scaring him. What could he possibly say or do to make it better? "What the hell did he think he was doing? Ugh! And I knew it! I knew there was a reason why his schedule was always so tough to get around. The warning bells were going off in my head! And I ignored them! I ignored them! I look like a stupid fool and he gets to go home with his wife." "Donna! Stop it!" said Josh finally able to grab at her wrists and hold them down by her side. "You're not stupid. He's the stupid one. Don't think that this is in anyway your fault." After a pause, she whispered ,"Then whose fault is it?" looking at the floor. "It's his fault for not seeing how incredibly amazing you are. It's his fault for lying to you. It's his fault for thinking he could play with your emotions this way. Not yours!" Wondering if any of this was getting through to her, he added, "Donna?" "I'm so mad," she whispered back, still looking at the floor. Josh tilted her face up to him. "What are you mad about?" he whispered. "That…" Donna said, gulping as the tears started again. "That…that I would be so desperate…so stupidly desperate…to ignore the warnings going off in my head, just so that I could have somebody in my life." Josh pulled her back into his arms as the tears pooled and ran over her eyes. "Shhhh," he said, one hand rubbing her back and the other tangled in her hair, cradling her head. "I can't believe this," she whispered into his neck. "Donna. It's not your fault." "I know…I know he's a jerk who doesn't deserve any further thought. I'm just mad…and I'm upset that I listened to my mother, my grandmother, my aunts, my married friends, practically everyone in my life." "Listened to them about what?" he asked, kissing the top of her head. "They said…They're always saying…this is so stupid…it's not something they say, it's something I feel." "What?" "They make it seem like the good things in my life aren't really good because I don't have anyone to share them with." She took a deep breath."You have no idea what it's like to have the first question people ask you be `are you seeing anyone?' and if you're not, they're always filled with helpful tips and suggestions to find you someone." "Donna…" "And then," she gulped, sobbing again. "And then…they make me feel like the things I've done with my life aren't good…or valid or worthwhile all because I'm not dating. And then they…. Josh's heart clenched in his chest. He interrupted her. "Do you feel that way?" "No," she whispered, then more forcefully, "No! It's just that…" "What…?" "Ugh! Nothing. It's just hard to face my grandmother who thinks I'm wasting my life. And my great aunt who thinks I'm emotionally stunted for never having brought anyone home to meet the family." Josh laughed. "They say that?" "God, Josh. You have no idea," she hiccupped and laughed. "It's like everytime I visit them, one's imagining all the great-grandchildren I could have been producing since I was 21, and the other one can't stop quizzing me on my latest failed relationship." "We should get them together with my grandmother." "Yeah?" she asked tipping her head up to look at him. "Definitely," he said, wiping the final tears off her face. "I'm still so mad that I could even for a second have felt like they were right." "You know they're not right, right?" he asked, holding her face between his hands. When she met his eyes, he continued. "You are an amazing, intelligent, beautiful woman who doesn't need someone in her life to validate that. You are a force all your own Donnatella, and anyone who doesn't see that, doesn't really know you." Donna's eyes teared again. She stared at him for several moments. "Thank you. Thank you Josh," she whispered. "You're pretty amazing yourself." Then she half laughed. "It's not every boss who will hold his weeping assistant in his arms and not make her feel like an idiot for blathering on." Josh's tone didn't match Donna's teasing one. He held a finger up to stop her and said seriously, "Shh, Donna. I could never see you as an idiot. And I'm not even thinking of you as my assistant right now." Donna's eyes widened as Josh slowly and softly kissed her lips. "Let me take you home?" he asked, breathing into her lips. "Okay," she whispered back. Josh put her hand in his and led her through the garden to the front of the hotel, thereby avoiding having to enter the ballroom again.
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