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Past Losses (3/4) Please see disclaimers in part 1 --------------------- CJ put the phone down and put her head in her hands. She really didn't need this. Technically, this wasn't anything she had to worry about; it wasn't strictly White House business, but she still felt her heart sink. Poor Andy. She wondered if Toby knew. "CJ?" Toby, with his usual impeccable timing, was standing at her door. "You wanted to see me?" "Come in and close the door," she said, waving him in. "What the hell? If you wanted to talk to me, you could have just walked down the hall. It isn't that far to my office." Toby sounded irritated. She couldn't blame him; she was expected to come to him, not the other way around. "I just got a heads up from Mary at the Times," she said slowly. "She had a tip that Andy had an abortion recently." She waited, unsure of what Toby was going to say. He looked away, his hands clenched and his jaw set. It was a long time before he spoke. "On Monday." He nodded slowly. "I know." "What with the new abortion report, it's going to hit the press." CJ prayed for her voice to come out steady and waited for the explosion. "How dare she?" The explosion was muted, all the more terrifying in the soft, silky smooth tone that delivered it. "How dare anyone try to score political points from a personal matter?" "Toby, I know it's not good..." "No, CJ, you don't know." Still, the silk-smooth rage. "You don't know a damned thing about it." "Care to explain it to me?" CJ asked softly. "No." "Toby... I have to ask. Are you...?" "The father? Yes," Toby bit out. "Excuse me, CJ. I have to call Andy and let her know that our personal hell is about to hit the papers." ------------------- "Okay, CJ, what the hell is going on?" Leo had his glasses off and was standing. A bad sign; he wasn't even feigning inattention this time. "What do you mean?" CJ asked carefully. "The entire West Wing is tiptoeing around as if there was an imminent explosion about to happen. The eye of the storm seems to be in Toby's office. What happened to piss him off this time?" Leo said smartly. "According to Sam, this all started when you called Toby into your office. He left, then holed himself up in his office with his ex. And for the last two hours, they've been locked in there while the rest of the staff has been walking around on eggshells." "I got a tip from Mary at the Times. She found out about Andy getting sick in a committee meeting and went looking, since Andy's high profile. She says she has pictures and proof that Andy had an abortion last Monday. She called me to warn me in case Toby didn't know about it." "Did he?" "Yes." "Christ." Leo sat down aburptly. "He's bent out of shape because his ex has been with someone who isn't him. That's all we need." "Worse. The baby was Toby's," CJ said quietly. "Leo, this is not something we can get involved in." "We have to. You're going to get questions. Everybody in Washington knows he still cares for her." "I know." "Can you answer them?" "Of course I can." CJ looked exasperated. "We do not comment on the personal lives of the staff. Congresswoman Wyatt's own people can handle things from her end." "And if you're asked about the President's reaction?" "Since the President doesn't comment on the personal lives of the staff either..." CJ let that trail off. Leo nodded firmly and put his glasses on. "CJ? Is there any way you can, you know, get Toby to stop scaring the crap out of the entire West Wing?" "I haven't found one so far, but I'll see what I can do." ------------------- "You can say it, you know." Andy scuffed the toe of her shoe on the carpet. "Say what?" "What you've been dying to say. You can call me a cowardly bitch who robbed you of your child," Andy replied evenly. "God knows, you've said it before." "I never said that." "You didn't have to. It was pretty clear the last time. And the time before that." "I am not having this conversation again." Toby raised his voice in frustration. "No. You're going to let this fester between us, just like it did before." "What does it matter if it does? You're gone, Andy. You walked out on me and our marriage. You weren't willing to fight for what we had." "Another example of my cowardice," Andy replied bitterly. "It's pretty clear what you think of me." "Would you stop telling me how I feel?" "Why? It isn't like you're going to do it. Tell me the truth, Toby. You blame me for losing our kids." "No." "Like hell." "What do you want me to say, Andy? That I blame you for Drew and Sylvia?" Toby shouted. "I swear to God I don't. I do blame you for turning away from me. I do blame you for not being there when Drew died. Just like you blame me for the fact that he died." "I never blamed you for that," Andy whispered. "Never, ever." "You hated me then." Toby's voice went low, too. "I hated everyone then," Andy replied. "You. Me. Drew. The goddam doctors who couldn't tell us why he was the way he was. Then Sylvia..." "After that, you didn't want to try again." "But you refused to give up," Andy replied, brittle bitterness in her voice. "The chances were so remote as to be astronomical," Toby spat out. "Genetic testing. Careful diet, lots of rest..." "The most horrific sickness while I was pregnant," Andy finished. "And all for what?" "You refused to let me touch you after that," Toby said quietly. "We'd lost so much, Andy. Why did we have to lose that?" "I was afraid, Toby." Tears were streaking down her face. "So were you. And we were both so angry..." "Just like now." Toby sighed. "What the hell are we going to do, Toby? The vultures out there are going to want to know every detail." "It's a private matter." "It's not, though, and you know it. They'll find the records." Andy shivered. "If anyone ever had a good reason for an abortion..." Toby did not finish the sentence. "I don't give a damn about that," Andy replied coldly. "Yes, telling the whole story will make the abortion irrelevant. It'll pick up a hell of a lot of sympathy for both of us. It's not a price I'm willing to pay. I'm not living through that all over again. I can't." "I can't, either," Toby agreed and ran his hand across his head. "May I tell CJ about it?" "I thought you already had." "No. I couldn't talk to you about it. What makes you think I could talk to her?" "Yeah. Okay." Andy nodded. "Maybe she can find a way to keep the lid on it." Toby wrapped her in his arms and they held each other for a long, long time. ------------------- Sam tapped the end of a pencil on his desk, willing himself not to glance into the window to Toby's office. He had done well so far in not seeing Toby and Andy pacing back and forth across the office, done well in not hearing the shouting. Now it was quiet and it had been for nearly ten minutes. He bent his head to the papers on his desk, praying for blessed oblivion in work. It must have worked, since he didn't hear the soft knock, or the door opening. "Sam?" Toby stood there. "I'm going to be out of the office for a couple of hours. Agnes is going to transfer my calls to you. Ginger will bring in the notes that you need." Sam digested this. Toby never left without taking his pager and cell. Then again, Toby never had red rimmed eyes, either. "Okay." Sam nodded firmly. He didn't know how he was going to explain why he was answering Toby's calls, but he'd think of something. He wanted to offer some form of sympathy, but he didn't know exactly what was going on, nor did he think Toby would appreciate it. ------------------- CJ followed Toby to a private booth, with a drink in hand. She never drank during the workday, and Toby rarely did, but she had a feeling that they would both need it. "How's Andy?" "She's pretty upset," Toby said seriously, taking a drink. "Leo was wondering what was going on this afternoon." "Did you tell him?" "Considering I'm not real clear on what was going on, I couldn't." CJ took a tiny sip. "Are you going to tell me? Is that what this meeting's about?" "Yeah." Toby bit his lip, looked away and ran his hand across his head and down his beard. CJ waited. "Look, CJ, do you remember when Drew was born?" "Yeah. I was working my ass off at Berkeley, trying to get my Master's thesis finished." "You never saw him, as I recall." "No. I couldn't afford to fly to New York and you never sent me any pictures," CJ replied. "What was wrong with him?" "I don't know," Toby said softly. "He was born with some pretty severe birth defects." He reached for his wallet and pulled out a picture. CJ took it and looked closely. The size of the picture and the dim light in the club made it hard to make out, but even under those conditions, she could tell that the child in the picture was handicapped. "After Drew was born, Andy went into a bad depression. She hadn't been well through the entire pregnancy and it took her a while to get back on her feet." Toby put the photograph back. "I quit my job to take care of Drew. I was there from the day he was born to the day he died." "Toby... I'm so sorry...," CJ said softly, putting her hand on his arm. He shook it off brusquely. "Don't," he ordered. "If I wanted your sympathy, I'd have told you then." "Okay." CJ refused to feel hurt. "The doctors told us that it was a fluke. That there was no reason why we couldn't have another child," Toby continued, after taking a drink. "A few years later, we tried." "You never told me about that." "We didn't tell anyone. We didn't want to say anything until we knew that things were going to work out okay." "Tempting fate." "Tempting fate," Toby agreed. "Sylvia lived for less than twelve hours. She was even more severely handicapped than Drew had been." "Oh, God," CJ said in a hushed tone. "So you stopped trying." "We went to some of the best genetic counsellors in New York. I found out that I'm a carrier for both Tachs-Say and Gauchers, but they said that shouldn't have affected anything. Andy's not," Toby said slowly. "They told us that there was probably something in the environment that affected the fetus, so we moved to Arizona." "Which, as I recall, you hated." "So did Andy, but we really wanted a family. We did everything right, according to the doctors, and there was nothing in her genetics or mine that should have produced the effects we got." "You tried again while you were there," CJ said slowly. "Yes. It seemed to be going well. Andy was tired, but not as sick as she'd been before. The prenatal tests seemed to be indicate that everything was fine." "What happened?" "Stillbirth." "A boy or a girl?" "I don't know." Toby looked away. "They couldn't tell." ------------------- With that quiet admission, CJ got up, leaving Toby alone with his memories and his emotions. She went to the ladies room to bring herself under control. What must it have been like for both of them, to have such badly damaged children? She swallowed the tears and horror she felt and wiped off her face. Then she went to the bar and ordered two double scotches. Toby had his head in his hands when she returned to the table. "Andy and I went through some bad times because of this, but the last time was the worst," Toby said, as if he hadn't noticed her leaving. He took a long drink. "By the time we got to Washington, our marriage was pretty much over. She threw herself into her career and got elected to Congress. We muddled along for a bit, then she left. A few months later, Leo approached me to work for Bartlet for America." He fell silent and CJ said nothing. She recalled Andy calling her to tell her that she and Toby had broken up, not all that long before Toby unexpectedly turned up at her house in California. She wanted to ask Toby what had happened, but he refused to let her close enough. When she had arrived in Washington, she had asked Andy, but Andy had looked so distressed that she dropped the subject. CJ was ashamed that, at the time, she had thought that Toby had been entirely to blame. Andy had been so hurt and Toby so distant, she had thought that Andy had caught him with another woman or something. She hadn't expected anything like this. "I hate to pry, but..." CJ stumbled over the words. Toby gave her a humourless half smile. "How did she end up pregnant again?" "I think I can figure out that part." CJ also half smiled. "It was the night of the fund raiser, wasn't it?" "It was as if we'd never lost each other, that night," Toby said softly. "The thought of pregnancy never crossed my mind. I doubt it occurred to her, either. It had been so long since I'd held her, CJ." The emotion in his tone made CJ uncomfortable. "You're still in love with her, aren't you?" CJ asked softly. "I don't still wear my wedding ring because I forget it's there." Toby took another drink. "We won't get back together, CJ. I don't think we can get past what has already happened. If we could, I'd take her back in a minute." "You didn't want her to have this abortion," CJ said flatly. "I admit that, for a fraction of a second, I had hoped that she would be willing to try," Toby said quietly. "CJ, I don't want this story to become common knowledge. It's private and it's still very... painful. For both of us." "I'll see what I can do, but I can't make any promises," CJ warned. "With the abortion paper and with her high profile, it might come out if anyone thinks to look." "Or I stand firm and admit that I had an abortion because I'm single and can't provide properly for a child," Andy spoke, startling both of them. "How long have you been standing there?" Toby growled at her. "Long enough. I felt bad about putting this all on you," Andy replied, sitting down beside Toby. They looked at each other. CJ hastily picked up her coat and shrugged it on. She felt as if she had suddenly disappeared. "I have to go, Toby. I have a briefing in about half an hour and I have to prepare." Neither of them answered and she bit her tongue not to make some kind of smart remark. ------------------- "Is everything straightened out?" Leo demanded as she walked past his office. "Can we go back to work now?" "Yeah." CJ ran her hands through her hair. "I think Toby will be okay." "Yeah?" "No." CJ sighed. "This whole thing has stirred up a lot of bad memories for him." "I can sympathize, but we need to get back to work." "It'll be okay, so long as the topic gets dropped." CJ lifted her chin. "I'll do what I can to make sure that happens." "Good." Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4
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