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Part Losses (2/4) Please see disclaimers in part 1 --------------------- Ainsley was furious. The abortion report went out with the trash and she made her way to the West Wing to confront Sam about it. "You buried the report," she said, barging into his office. Sam looked up, frowning. "No, I didn't." "You did," Ainsley insisted. "You took it out to the back yard and dug a great big hole and dropped that report into it." "I doubt we did, Ainsley. We don't have the funds to redo the landscaping." Sam ventured a boyish smile. "Not literally, Sam," Ainsley snapped. "Stop trying to be cute." "Can't help it. I am cute," Sam replied. "What are we talking about?" "Abortion. Those statistics are alarming." "Those statistics are well within expected variance, Ainsley. The stats haven't changed appreciably in three years." "Yes, they have. And even if they haven't, the abortion rate is shocking. The President himself is opposed to abortion, but during his tenure, the rates go up? Does this make any sense to you?" "The President is capable of separating his personal feelings from the needs and wishes of the people, Ainsley," Sam said quietly. "I don't know anyone who wholeheartedly approves of abortion. I just think that there are better ways to deal with the problem of unplanned pregnancies than to force women who are already in a stressful situation to break the law." "How about recommending that schools teach abstinence?" "How about teaching kids about safe sex?" Sam shot back. "And encourage them to do it?" "Teenagers don't need any encouragement to have sex," Sam replied. "Neither do most adults," Toby observed, standing at Sam's door. "Sam, when you get a moment to actually do some work, I'm still waiting on the position paper for 766." "I'll have it for you at the end of the day." "I won't be back today. I have to go talk to Seth Gillette about the Blue Ribbon Commission," Toby grimaced. "I expect to find it on my desk in the morning." "Will do." Sam nodded, then turned back to Ainsley. ------------------- "Toby." Seth rose slightly and held out a hand. Toby gripped it briefly and sat down. "Seth." "You're a despicable bastard, Ziegler. You ambushed me." "We need you on the committee and we couldn't ask." "So you just announced that I was and expect me to take it?" "I expected you to be pissed at the President for it. He's not the one that did it. I am." "I knew that, Toby. Why ambush me like that?" "Because you want to be on the committee. And you were going to grandstand if we asked." "And I can't refuse," Gillette said bitterly. "Is it worth it?" "Having you out for my blood?" Toby asked. "Yes." "I can make your life a merry hell." "Get the committee on track and get it done and you can dance the fandango on my ass." Gillette glared at Toby for a full minute. Toby just looked at him steadily. "You really piss me off, Toby," Gillette said finally, in a milder tone. "Just when I'm convinced that you're one of the most ruthless sons of bitches in Washington, you do something like this." "Like what?" "You really care about this, don't you?" "Of course I do." "You don't give a damn about the political points this will score, do you? You really do care that this gets done." "Yes. The only way it's going to get done is in camera, with you at the table. You know that." "Yeah." Gillette sighed. "Yeah, I do. I still don't like the way you did it." "You get this done and you win, Seth," Toby said seriously. "You care about this as much as I do." "Yes. I do." "It wasn't the President, Seth. It wasn't Leo or Josh. It was me. You want to lash out at anybody, do it to me." "I can't," Gillette replied flatly. "It this instance, you were right. I'd have done the same thing, if I had thought of it." "So we're clear on this one?" "Yeah. On this one. Not on anything else." "I can live with that." Silence reigned for a moment, neither man quite sure what to do. Both of them had planned on a much longer meeting. "So, have you seen Andrea recently?" "A few weeks ago. Why?" Toby looked suspicious. Why was Seth bringing her name up? Did Seth guess that the original idea came from her? "She's not looking good. She had to leave a committee meeting yesterday to throw up," Seth replied. "I thought you might know what was up with her." "No. We don't talk much these days." Toby frowned. "She looks like hell. You might want to call her," Seth suggested softly, rising. Toby stayed where he was. What the hell was Seth talking about? Was Andy really sick? Or was this Seth's way of trying to get under his skin? Seth was certainly petty enough to try. With a sigh, he pulled out his cell and dialled a number he had memorised long ago. ------------------- "Toby?" "Hi, Andy. I just talked to Seth Gillette." "Poor baby." Andy sounded both sympathetic and sardonic; a talent she had learned during their marriage. "And you called me to pass on the misery, right?" "Actually, he was pretty good about it. You were right. It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission." "Hang on while I mark my calendar. Toby Ziegler admitting I was right is worth celebrating. You think the President would be willing to make it a national holiday?" "Andy, are you all right?" "Okay, that was a cheap shot," she replied, in a softer tone. "Sorry." "Seth said you weren't feeling well." There was a long pause. "Andy?" "Toby, we have to talk. Are you in your office?" "No, but I can be. Or I can come to yours." "No, I'll come to you. Half an hour?" "Sure." ------------------- Toby went back to his office and told Ginger that he had a meeting with Andy and let her in as soon as she arrived. Then he closed the door to the office and sat down on the couch. Seth hadn't been trying to bother him. There really was something going on with Andy. What could she need to talk to him about? There wasn't anything political that involved her going on, so it had to be something personal. Was she ill? Or was there something happening in her family? Andy had a notoriously weak stomach when she was upset. The last year of their marriage, she had lost a lot of weight from the constant bouts of nausea, caused by their arguments. ------------------- She appeared at his office door suddenly and he was stuck to the core at the look of utter devastation on her face. "Andy?" He rose and led her in and shut the door. "What's wrong? Are you ill?" "Not exactly. I don't know how to say this delicately, so I won't bother trying," she said, a weird, sad smile playing around her mouth. "Toby... I'm pregnant." "Are you sure?" "I just got back from the doctor. No question about it." She sat down on his couch with a thump. "I'm pregnant, Toby." She looked at him as if he could make her pain go away. He wasn't sure what to say. He sat down too, feeling a little dizzy. God, it was starting again. "What do you want to do about it?" he asked finally. "I can't... I can't do this again," she said, burying her face in her hands. "I just can't." Toby leaned over and touched her knee, not saying anything. He bit his lip to prevent the words that were aching to be said. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and assure her that he still wanted her, wanted this; that he would marry her again in a minute. He wanted to beg her to give this a chance, to forget about what she was planning to do. He wanted to say all those things, but stayed silent. "I've already made the appointment." Andrea straightened, wiping her eyes. "I thought I should at least let you know." "Want me to come with you?" he offered, very gently. "No." Andrea shook her head. "No, I'd really rather you didn't." He knew immediately that she was telling the truth. "Okay. If you need me for anything, I'll be right there for you." He knew he had said the right thing at the look of gratitude she gave him. She rose and so did he, and they found themselves embracing tightly. "I'm sorry, Toby," she whispered. "I really am." She kissed his cheek and left. Toby tried to go back to work, but it took all his energy to hold back the flood of tears just waiting behind his eyes. ------------------- Ainsley and Sam were standing just outside Sam's office, squabbling again. As a consequence, Toby could hear most of the argument, if he felt like listening. Today, he didn't. Today, he was having trouble concentrating on work. Today, all he wanted to do was pick up the phone and call Andy. Today, all he wanted to do was grab his car keys and find her. Today was the day she was going to that clinic. Today, of all days, he should be with her. He knew why she didn't want him there. There was too much emotion there, too much painful history to recall, too much guilt and anger. She knew, without him ever saying a word, what he wanted and how he felt. He knew, too, how she felt and why she had chosen this. In his heart of hearts, he did not support her decision and she knew it. She probably thought he was angry over her deciding to abort their child without consulting him. He was, a little, but the anger was almost completely swamped by the pain of loss that filled him. He had lost her and lost his chance to father her children. He had lost that long ago, but the pain of it was still strong enough to take his breath away. As well, he was ashamed and guilty. That night of the fund raiser, he should have known better than to make love with her without making absolutely sure that this would not happen. He knew better than to take any chances with getting her pregnant. He had no doubts that he was the father, none at all. Andy would never take chances with getting pregnant; it was only the magic of the night that had led to this. His carelessness and his selfish desire to recapture, even for a little while, what they once had led to this. He had hurt her again, after swearing to himself that he would never do that. ------------------- "...You're a man, Sam," Ainsley said sharply. "How can you possibly understand what a woman goes through?" "And how can you understand?" CJ joined the debate, arms folded. "You're a well educated, well paid woman who's never had to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. You have options. Some of these women don't." "And those that do and choose to abort rather than use birth control or, God forbid, actually stop having sex?" Ainsley retorted. "What happened to options like adoption or taking responsibility for the baby? Isn't that what you're always preaching? You want women to have control over reproduction and yet you refuse to acknowledge that there is also responsibility involved. Killing a baby isn't taking responsibility. It's murder." "Until such time as women have a foolproof method of birth control, abortion remains an option for women who don't have the resources, financial or emotional, to carry a child full term," CJ replied. "Not everyone can afford to take time off to give birth." "There is a foolproof way to avoid getting pregnant. It's called abstinence..." ------------------- Toby couldn't bear any more. Sam and Ainsley bickering was a constant theme these days; it seemed to be their preferred form of flirting. CJ getting into it was annoying, since it always rose the noise level to the point where he could hear everything clearly. But, today, of all days, to have an abortion debate going on just outside his office... "Sam, get back to work," he ordered, glaring at Sam. "Ainsley, you don't work here. You work in the Counsel's office. CJ, don't you have something more important to do?" "I think this debate is important." "CJ." CJ looked at him for a long moment before turning away. "Okay," she said quietly. "Toby, what's your opinion on the matter?" Sam asked, eager for some back up. "Yes, Toby." Ainsley looked ready for a fight. "Look me in the eye and tell me that you condone baby killing?" "It's the woman's choice," Toby said quietly. "Not mine, not yours and not the governments. And she deserves to have the option of a safe, legal abortion. It's not up to me or to anyone else to decide what stresses a woman can or cannot handle. Having a child should be a welcome event, not a time of fear and dread." "That's fine for you to say," Ainsley replied. "You're not the one who has to live with the guilt. You'd feel differently if it was your wife who had an abortion." "Would I?" ------------------- "Toby..." Sam waited until Ainsley left, then went into his boss's office. "Go away, Sam." Toby was fussing with papers on his desk, but he wasn't really working. "I'm sorry if our conversation bothered you." "Why should it bother me any more this time than the two hundred times you've done it before?" Toby snapped back. "Go back to work. Finish the edit on Wednesday's speech so I can look it over before the President gets his hands on it." ------------------- "CJ, can I ask you something?" "Sure. Did you know that 40 languages a year go extinct?" "Well, if you ask Toby, English is one of them," Sam replied. "Speaking of whom..." "He'd be very disappointed at that segue, Sam," CJ interrupted. "What's on your mind, Spanky?" "When Toby came out to chase us away, you left without saying anything. You don't usually walk away from the abortion debate." "And your question?" "Why did you?" "I didn't want to hurt Toby's feelings," CJ said carefully. "Sam, please don't make anything of this, but the whole topic of kids a pretty sensitive one for him." "Why?" "His son died at about six months old," CJ said quietly. "I don't know if they tried again, but the whole topic became taboo when Andrew died. I know it was part of why the marriage ended." "How did he die?" "I don't know. They were in New York and I was in LA at the time," CJ replied. "Andy called me to tell me that Drew died, but she didn't say anything about how and I didn't feel I had the right to ask." Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4
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